International Silliness: Featuring Columbus Day, Show Jumping Bunnies & Horse G-String

 

Happy Columbus Day!

Today we Americans celebrate a whole lot of lies by closing down some essential services.

Yeah, the Americas were already populated by some pretty advanced Native American civilizations, so Columbus didn't "discover" anything-- in fact, he wasn't even the first European to land there (Lief Erikson was at least one guy who got there first). Columbus really landed in the Caribbean Islands (but thought he'd reached Asia), not America as we think of it today. Speaking of geography, The idea that people believed the earth was flat was a myth. Oh, and that guy we praise as being an awesome explorer was directly responsible for the rape, death and enslavement of thousands of people. Yet, we continue to teach small children that Columbus, the blond-haired European hero, sailed the ocean blue in 1492. Hooray for revisionist history!

Yeah, in case you haven't noticed.... I'm feeling pretty cynical about my country today. The ongoing government shutdown, the sheer number of stories where officials refuse to do anything about horse neglect, the NSA scandal... all that crap doesn't help! I'm not sure I can post the topic I had today. It's just another bad thing in a bad couple of months.

Well hey, instead let's go take a trip around the silly stuff in other countries for a change, shall we?

Well, strike that, actually the focus will be on making fun of horse stuff from countries that are in English, because like most Americans (and unlike literally two thirds of the rest of the world) I only speak one language. Unless poor Spanglish counts. ("Yo soy un Wisconsinite, y yo quiero queso!")*

ANyway, let's get started!

Australia

I was confused when I saw the title of this ad. A horse float? Is that like a root beer float, but with added horse? No, wait... This... thing is for transporting horses? Yikes!! I don't think I'd trust a pony in that thing. Speaking of ponies...

 This "mother's dream" is pictured hanging out on someone's porch. It is a porch pony? What's with the tiny, shoeless, helmet-less child sitting bareback on a pony that is lying down, and wearing a halter clearly too large for it?

 Last but certainly not least, while I was browsing Australian horse ads, I found this:

 Yes, now YOU can be a part of the show-jumping world too, even if you can't jump, even if you don't own a horse! You can join the Rabbit Hopping Society of Australia! Just check out these adorably decorated (and sometimes disturbingly difficult-looking) bunny jumps! There is even a tiny water obstacle created with a small plastic tray!

 Dear Australians, your reputations as crocodile-wrestling, snake-eating, kangaroo-riding cowboys are seriously at risk here-- the cute factor of this "sport" is over the top!

Portugal

Do stallions command higher stud fees in Portugal if you take pictures of them doing it? And are captions like "I am very pleased with my performance!!!" necessary?

 UK

Did you know that some horses in the world get to travel in enclosed mini vans? Yeah, in the UK there are these adorable, pokey little things!! I'm not sure whether to laugh or be jealous! This "horsebox" is made by BOSS:

 Next up, whilst searching for "UK horse fun" I ran across THIS:

SUPERB FUN MENS MANS HORSE DONKEY POUCH ELASTIC G-STRING KNICKERS

How does that rhyme go again... "ride a cock horse to Banbury Cross" isn't it? Seriously though, apparently 27 people have bought one of these already!!

OK folks, there ends our brief English-speaking international tour of barely-equine-related silliness. Yeah, I was really struggling to write today. I'll just leave you with one more thing, and wish you a very happy Monday.

Dictionary of Non-American English Horse Lingo 
(as I understand it, anyway)

Agistment:   Boarding situation.
Allrounder: Theoretically, a horse that can do just about anything... in reality, in England this term is often used to describe any and every horse that isn't particularly good at anything!
Bling:   When used to describe a horse, it's similar to the American "chrome," i.e. white markings.
Bobble:   When a horse steps badly, especially during the start of a race, throwing him off balance.
Brumby:   A feral horse in Australia (like American mustangs).
Hack:   A trail horse, or a trail ride. I think this word can have negative connotations, as in "just a hack."
Hacking:   Trail riding.
Hat, Riding Hat:   An English style "helmet," usually less protective than a real helmet.
Head Collars:   Halters.
Horsebox: Horse trailer.
Jackeroo/Jilleroo:   Australian terms for inexperienced male/female riders, equivalent to "greenhorns."
Jinker: In Australia, a two-wheeled cart.
Jodhpurs:   A slang word for a short type of riding boot, also called a paddock boot, OR tightly fitting riding pants similar to breeches, sometimes used interchangeably with "breeches."
Mac, mac coat or Riding Mac:  A somewhat weatherproof coat, in appearance something like a short trenchcoat, but it can vary from "stylish" to "I'm a policeman," to more like a western duster.
Mouthed:   Describing a horse that has been at least somewhat trained to take a bit.
"No dirt in this horse:"   Means something like, "not a mean bone in his body."
ONO:   "Or near offer," roughly equivalent to "or best offer," but a better phrase in my opinion.
Piebald:   Black and white pinto
Rugs:   Blankets for horses (not the kind under saddles, the wearing kind), especially the winter ones.
Skewbald:   Pinto of any colors
Ute:   Pickup truck
Wellies: Wellingtons, slang for any pair of tall rubber boots.

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* "I am a Wisconsonite, and I want cheese!"
I can only speak Spanish in the present tense, and my vocabulary is limited to baby words and demands.
"Necesito montar el caballito!"  (I NEED to ride the pony!)
"Yo cayo! Donde esta mi caballo?!"  (I fell! Where is my horse?!)
"Ayuda! Donde esta el bano?" (Help! Where is the bathroom?")