Tuesday, April 3, 2012

The Political Horserace 2012

The Wisconsin Presidential Primary is today, Tuesday April 3rd. Almost nobody is paying attention because of the hype over recall elections. Also, I dislike every single one of the presidential candidates. And yet my duty, and yours, is to make the best decision possible for our nation (and our animals) while we grind our teeth in frustration.

For the politically unaware, a primary election is a pre-election. It decides which candidates get to go to The Big Race. Since there's not really a viable Democratic candidate besides Obama, it's basically a contest of which Republican will run for President. But Wisconsin is an open primary state, and you can vote for anybody, regardless of which party you're affiliated with. So for example, if you're a Democrat and want Obama to stay in office, you might vote for Ron Paul, believing him to be the weakest Republican candidate and thus the best one to go up against the guy you'd actually like to win. Or if you're sick to death of this stuff, you can vote for Vermin Love Supreme, who has promised everyone in America a free pony if he wins. He also wears a boot for a hat. His platform is based on the need for zombie apocalypse awareness and time travel research. I'm not even kidding.

...yeah, but no. Actually we should try to do the whole adult thing and pick a real candidate. It's important, no matter what your political view, that you actually use the freedom to vote, to make your voice heard. But hey, this can still be fun! I'm going to make this Presidential Race a real race. So don't forget to vote, er, bet, today!

The field:

 Obama the Thoroughbred:

Though he won a very important race four years ago, his track record since then has been disappointing even to his biggest fans, though some say this is mostly due to interference by his opponents. Of all the candidates, he may posses the most intelligence and concern for humanity (his concern taking the form of giving away large sums of taxpayer money), but will his more delicate preppie physique be able to handle the endurance race of another election? Some betters say they won't back him in this race, preferring to vote for a candidate that may actually deliver what he promises... or will at least promise exactly the opposite of what Obama did. Others say that the current President is clearly the best of a bad lot, the alternatives being various shades of red-neck crazy. Speaking of red-neck crazy...

Santorum the Tennesse Walker:

This guy is a big, big hit in the south. Maybe it's his triumph over sore(ing) issues like his "Google problem." Maybe his evangelical rhetoric about "Satan attacking America" has found southern fans. Maybe it's because he was born and bred down there. Personally, I think it's his incredibly passionate, bold statements that cause commotion, even while he sails smoothly on, apparently not feeling the impact they leave on everyone else. I think my favorite was when he made up statistics about how half of all elderly people in the Netherlands are involuntarily euthanized. Or maybe when he said that birth control of any kind is immoral. No, I think my favorite was when he compared the issue of gay marriage to the 9/11 terrorist attacks. No wait, it was when he said, "there are no Palestinians." No, wait... Aw shucks, I can't decide. But at least you know exactly where he stands, even if it's in the middle of a field of crazy. No waffling there! Will his, um, "unique" style of gait win the race where bland traditional tactics have failed?

Romney the Quarter Horse:

Here's a true American racer for sure! Strong, solid, traditional. Except, of course, he seems a little...fake. Plastic, even. He claims to be a real workhorse, part of the cowboy-blue-collar-American-dream-loving majority. But he may be more like a western halter horse-- all fancy silver halters, no ranch work. His wife drives two Cadillacs? He's pals with NASCAR team owners? He He'd be one of the richest presidents in history if elected? How exactly can this guy relate to the average American? And with his plastic personality comes malleability. Like western pleasure clothes fashion, his entire platform seem to change based on whatever his advisers tell him is popular at the moment. Comparing all his past statements on any one subject is like hearing split personalities. But hey he's Mormon, so he doesn't drink or smoke, and he believes Jesus personally visited America. That's good stuff, right? One can only wonder about the Mormon sacred long underwear...

(Dr.) Ron Paul the Mustang:

Maybe you're hankering for a return to the values of the Old West. The really old west. A time when there was no social security, health care consisted of whatever self-taught doctor you could afford to pay to patch you up, the dollar was based on real gold, and America was a loose conglomeration of almost independent nation-states. If so, you can vote for this rogue throwback, who would like things to return to that state. Ron Paul wants the government to stop interfering with things, including drugs, guns, food safety and prostitution. Who needs laws or regulations? When Ron Paul talks about freedom, he's talking about mustang type freedom, where you can live your life happily doing whatever you want, free on the range, but if you get attacked by cougars or starve to death in winter, the government won't interfere with that either. He wants to eliminate the Department of Education, stop government funding of student loans, sell off national parks to the highest bidders, and eliminate Medicare. He would also like to the U.S. to withdraw from most foreign situations and never participate in a foreign war ever again, unless someone attacks us first. Did I mention he's practically ancient? This guy probably invented the Old West.

So there you have it! Aren't you excited about voting now? Don't forget to bring a photo ID! You can register on the spot if you want to-- but if your address has changed, bring proof of your new one. The polls close at eight pm. You can find your polling place here. And hey, let's not leave past presidents and other celebrities out of this; what kinds of horses would they be, and why?

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