Monday, June 11, 2012

A Cowgirl's Guide to Beauty

Accessories: All cowgirls love accessories. Many cowgirls will travel for hundreds of miles to find buckets, blankets, halters, lead ropes, leg wraps, saddle bags, lariats and saddle pads that match "their horse's color." For themselves, cowgirls enjoy colorfully decorated practical items. A personalized belt buckle is an excellent tool to help investigators identify your body, after you have attempted to break in that wild colt you got. Hats, bumper stickers, car decals and t-shirts with horse images or humor are common. Bandanas are incredibly useful as hair coverings, dust protectors for the nose and mouth, tissues, makeshift bandages, desensitizing tools for spooky horses, sweat wipers, grooming tools, etc etc.

Body Cleansing: See "spa day."

Clothes: Stuff worn on the body in order to maximize protection against blisters, bugs, chafing, sunburn, rope burn, cold, dirt, rain, wind, hazardous plants and slobber. Clothes should be cheap, practical, durable, comfortable and easily washable. All other considerations are secondary. A true cowgirl often appears in ragged jeans or stained yoga pants, T-shirt, sport's bra, boots (hiking, rubber, English riding or cowboy), ball cap and sweat-shirt, most of it from a thrift store. A fake cowgirl will often wear expensive, unfaded jeans with lots of shiny stones on the butt pockets, exactly where they would scratch a saddle's seat (not that she'd ever actually sit in one). They are usually worn so tight that she is physically incapable of mounting a horse. She often sports a cowgirl hat, but one that has so many holes in it, it is functionally useless. She usually wears a tight-fitting sleeveless top, as impractical as possible. Rarely, a true cowgirl will dress up like a fake cowgirl, in order to attract men that seem to have no understanding of authentic beauty. (Cowgirls may also dress oddly in order to influence western pleasure judges, usually males who rarely seem to have any understanding of natural beauty.) See "manicure."

Exfoliation: See "spa day."

Farmer's Tan: A cowgirl's (or farmer's) natural and authentic dark tan skin color on the head, neck and arms up to the shoulders. Other areas generally remain pale, since this skin is protected (see "clothing"). Many people attempt to fake this sign of hard work and beauty, but they make the mistake of artificially darkening the skin all over (see "tanning"). In this way, one can easily tell a true cowgirl from a pretender. For other signs of a fake cowgirl, see "clothes."

Hair: Hair bands, scrunchies, rubber bands, bandannas, ball caps and braids are effective in keeping hair out of a cowgirl's face. A cowgirl who leaves her hair uncovered (i.e. ponytail only) will receive the natural benefit of sun-bleaching as she goes about her daily activities. Sun bleaching creates shades of beautiful lighter coloring in darker hair. Fake cowgirls and city people often attempt to replicate this effect by getting artificially dyed "highlights" at a salon. It is easy to spot highlights, as they are often lightened to an unnatural degree, and arranged in striped patterns.

Makeup: What you must do with your significant other when one of you has brought home an un-agreed-upon purchase from an auction or tack store.

Manicure: The cure for men. As yet undiscovered. Some women believe this is a beauty ritual involving filing, buffing, polishing and painting one's fingernails. Cowgirls know that this is largely pointless, since fingernails will simply be damaged and roughened again during labor the next day. However, it can be useful to paint one's fingernails a dark color in order to disguise the permanent stains there. If you have no nail polish, hoof polish is an acceptable substitute.

Massage: This excellent remedy for deep aches and pains can improve performance, attitude and even provide significant health benefits. Your horse should get one from the chiropractor whenever you can afford it.You may be able to get one from your husband/boyfriend for free, but be warned that asking for one may prompt him to attempt something else entirely. Unfortunately, this cannot be helped. See "manicure."

Mineral Bath: See "spa day."

Mud Pack: See "spa day."

Pedicure: The cure for pedestrianism, i.e. riding a horse or driving a truck. Some women mistake this for a beauty ritual involving scraping the callouses off of the feet. Cowgirls know that this harmful idea should be avoided at all costs, since callouses are nature's protection against blisters.

Sauna: A very hot, steamy room designed to induce maximum sweating. Examples: the hay loft on haying day, the kitchen on canning day. Sweating is good for the skin and provides the added benefit of allowing your horse and dog to use you as a salt lick.

Spa Day: A day in which a cowgirl falls face-first into mud and manure ("mud pack"), gets half her hide scraped off in an incident with a green mare in heat ("exfoliation"), has to scrub out three algae-infested water tanks ("mineral bath") and then spends the whole night in the bathroom because of the chilly dog she gulped down at the fair ("body cleansing"). Spa days beautify a cowgirl's soul by providing her with opportunities for humility, self-sacrifice, penance and patience.

Spray Tan: A dark substance in a bottle that, when spread on the skin, renders it orange-brown. Another way of trying to artificially reproduce a cowgirl's natural coloring. 

Tanning: The natural inclination of a cowgirl's skin to darken as she goes about her daily activities during the spring and summer months. Many unfortunate women are unable to participate in these activities, and so must spend large amounts of money to stay motionless in public "tanning booths" for hours at a time in order to achieve the same bronzing effect. See also "farmer's tan" and "spray tan."


  1. I need help!!
    2 friends need help finding homes for some goats. 1 friend needs them gone by Saturday, the other can wait a little while.
    The 1st has a pair of Olberhasi wethers,they have their horns, but are good with tie out, being in a stall, walks (leading) and have been around horses, dogs and cats, oh and lawn equipment. They are just south of Madison.
    Here is a pic of one of them.
    The other friend has an Alpine doe who either hates the buck they have OR isn't breedable, she is free. This same friend has the buck also an alpine, and a breedable milking doe, who isn't being milked at this point, she is 3, and the buck is a year old, she is asking 75 each for the breedable doe and the buck OR buy the doe, get the buck for free.
    They are located south and west of Madison. I can transport part of the way.

  2. Wow, that's great Carol!! Good for you for helping them. Sorry I didn't see this sooner, but I guess it worked out!