Monday, October 8, 2012

Winter Is Coming: WI Redneck Tips

Ha hah, sorry, couldn't resist the geek reference. I actually don't like Game of Thrones much-- I prefer my relaxation TV/books to be less political and stabby.

So now is the time that every blog and magazine encourages horse owners to do all that commonsense preparedness stuff: check your horse's winter blanket for rips, winterize the barn, blah blah blah. I could repeat all the usual, OR give you...

The Wisconsin Redneck Horse Owner's Winter Pro-tips

Thanks to the snow, you will be able to have a 'fridge anywhere, even at your barn! Stock up accordingly.

Walk-out beer fridge

You know what's a great insulator? Hair. Be smart, save a razor, and stay toasty, all thanks to your natural fur.  If you husband complains, explain that you will shave your legs when he does.

Your barn and house/mobile home/shack may not be totally weather-proof. But let's face it, the enormous costs of fixing 'em, plus the pain-in-the-ass of doing all that work, is just too much of a bummer. Instead, look into renting a cheap hotel for the worst months-- just make sure it allows pets.

Once again, your children are whining about wanting to go sledding. Throw them outside with a shovel, and tell them to climb the nearest manure pile. They will soon stop asking.

Winter is the perfect time to work with a green horse. When else are you going to have over a foot of fluffy padding to fall onto? Just remember, when you hit the ground, spit out the yellow snow.

When building a snowman, it's best to consider your neighbors. Do you really want to teach the local wildlife that people-shaped objects are fun to play with, and have edible noses?

The right winter gear is crucial for riders. I recommend as many pieces of clothing as possible. By the time you manage to put on all of the necessary layers, it will be dark outside, and you will have a valid excuse not to ride in the cold.

Ballet lessons can be quite useful, for winter emergencies as well as balance in riding. Notice how this rider is using the "en pointe" position to keep 85% of her feet off of the freezing floor in the morning, as she sprints to let the dog out, start the coffee maker and find a matched pair of socks.

It's important to have the right attitude towards snow: 
"If I ignore it long enough, it will melt."

However, if you must get out of your driveway, think creatively-- the money you save from not hiring a plow service is money you can spend later on new tack and sweet feed.

Consider spending your limited holiday decorating budget on lighting up your horse. As he moves around the pasture, he will give you maximum Christmas light coverage for your dollar.

Your friends and relatives might protest that they don't have a place to keep a horse. That's nonsense. They have plenty of space. Leave a rescue horse under their tree, and they will fall in love. BAM, you just saved a horse and created a new horse lover!

Last but not least, if you do decide to give someone a horse for the holidays, gift-wrapping is not required, but is very much appreciated. Be sure to buy several rolls of the same color paper to avoid a tacky wrap job.

1 comment:

  1. Haha ! Loved this post! I thought all the rednecks lived down here in the SE with me. :-)