Thursday, December 6, 2012

Horse Butt Soap & Other Stuff NOT to Buy This Christmas

You know, my last post was neat and all, but it lacked something. Hmmm... oh yeah, the snark! Therefore, today I present you with an alternative holiday shopping guide:
The very worst horse-related presents you can buy!

Ah yes, the fine art of finger-painting on leather and gluing a rock to it, then tearing it in half. Lovely! Clearly, this must be the work of a child, trying to sell her art for a horse charity or something. Yeah, I can sort of see part of a horse: the one green eye, two blotchy white ears and a sort of reddish-purple mane... just the colors a four year old would pick.

OH WAIT. My bad. This is serious art. So serious, in fact, it's priced at $89 at Lucky H Art! Dear Heather Grieb: I'm a shamelessly bad artist, but even I know that this is too bad to sell.
P.S. Every time you waste an animal's leather by painting your crap on it, somewhere, a horse cries itself to sleep. Poor horse. Poor purse.

Next up, the biggest, most useless lamp I have ever seen. The true-to-life-sized Horse Lamp by designer Moooi will set you back about $8,000. But don't worry, because shipping is free! It's made in the Netherlands, and looks sturdy enough to ride on. Also for sale: rabbit lamp and pig table. What the fuck?

Now then, I love homemade soap, but there's a limit...

This particular horse butt soap comes unscented, but you can order it with a variety of smells, including "Dirt," "Lick Me All Over," "Monkey Farts," "Temptation" and "Very Sexy." Only $2.75!

Looking for something for a kid? Why not buy The Saddest Stuffed Horse in the World? Guaranteed to make you shed more tears than watching The Velveteen Rabbit, this horse clearly has a roach back, swollen joints and has lost his ability to stand on his own. Poor guy. Only $40! I actually really kind of want him. Aw.

Speaking of kids and toy horses, check out the Bratz version of a horse!

Yep, now your little girl can play with slutty dolls and slutty ponies! At least, it's advertised as a Bratz "Circus Pony" named Anya, but it sure looks like a pig to me! Actually, I think they've stopped making these now, in favor of the Bratz Catz sideline. Because, ya know, animals are just tiny adorable fashion accessories, right?

One final toy, this one for adults or kids: a customized My Little Pony. Now, I'm actually a huge fan of these when they're done well... but when they're not, ughhhh.

Call the fashion police! None of us horse people is exactly America's Next Top Model. In fact, I wear my horrible old hiking boots daily. But seriously? Crocs are only for communal showers, canoeing, nurses, and small children that refuse to wear anything else. Yes, even the ones with horse-head-shaped holes. (What are those holes for anyway? Getting your feet gross on purpose?) Crocs are like the sweatpants of fashion.

Here ends my catalog of horrible horse-related gifts. What's the worst gift you've ever gotten? Mine was a plastic paperweight from Time magazine. My grandmother had gotten it free in the mail, and gave it to me for my birthday. She was fairly rich, but very stingy, and somewhat senile. I guess having lived through the Great Depression can really mess you up, so I didn't really blame her.


  1. My husband got me a rotisserie for xmas because a rotisserie chicken sounded good to him. Guess who never gets rotisserie chicken?

  2. OMG I almost snarked out my mcdonalds coffee reading this!!! Good Stuff!!

    I think the worst gift I got was from my husband's aunts... slightly used free calenders all gift wrapped! And a used but very cool Swedish/Danish coffee maker that sat for years unused but I finally dug it out, used it for a long time, it then sat unused again and then the base shorted out. Bodum- check em out!

    And where is Ethipia?? LOL

    1. Wow, at least my Time paperweight was new, not used!! Wow, used calendars... you win.