Horses of the North Registry

Horses of the North

Official "Breed" Registry

About This Registry

Some breed registries only register horses that have passed rigorous tests of their conformation, temperament and athletic ability. They strive to improve their breed with every generation of foals. They have very specific requirements for their horses in order to guarantee a consistent, quality type of horse. This is not one of those registries.

There are registries that are famous, putting on breed shows and events backed by large bank accounts. The worst horses are allowed to compete with the best, regardless of genetic defect or conformation, because of the money they generate. A horse only has to have papers proving his ancestry to be considered worth something. This is not one of those registries either.

Some registries are only semi-exclusive. Proof of ancestry may or may not be required, and conformation certainly isn't an issue. Being "1/8" of a breed, having the right coat color or blue eyes, having an illustrious "history" of made-up myth-- these ideals are what many of these horse registries are founded on. This is not one of those registries either, but we're getting closer.

 Maybe your horse is a plain brown grade with no hope of joining any other registry-- but has excellent conformation. Maybe your horse has terrible conformation, but you love her, and are well aware that you shouldn't be breeding many more horses like her. Maybe you're just sick of the tail-blocking, harsh-bit-wearing, unfairly-judging crowd at your own registry. Perhaps you just want to find a group dedicated to improving the horse world. You are welcome here.

"Breed" Standards

There aren't any real standards, but just like other registries with no real standards, we're going to put some words here anyway.
  • A Horse of the North may be any horse above 13 hands. Any horse under 13 hands shall be called a "Pony of the North."
  • A Horse of the North may be gaited or not gaited, and have any coat color.
  • A Horse of the North should have European ancestry. Why? Well, there's nothing inherently great about it, but it sounds fancier to be from Europe. (Don't worry though, you don't have to prove it, and your horse almost certainly has a great-great-great-great-great-grandsire that lived in Spain or someplace anyway.)
  • We prefer that your horse has good conformation, but we'll settle for you being aware of the concept of good conformation.
  • We prefer that the horse currently lives in the Northern Hemisphere, but we'll make a special exception for, well, anyone. Especially anyone from Australia, because HELL YES Australia.
  • We here at Horses of the North believe that a long, flowing mane indicates that a horse is especially virile, well-bred, and touched by magic. However, any horse who can grow a mane can join the registry.
There are those who would argue that a registry isn't a registry unless it's somewhat exclusive. Therefore, Horses of the North officially refuses the opportunity of registration to owners of zebras. Zorses are still way cool with us though. Oh, and absolutely no assholes allowed in our registry. We reserve the right to determine who is, or is not, an asshole.

We also refuse registry to those who continue to breed and breed and breed horses which have shitty conformation and/or genetic disease*. 

*We can't tell if you lie about this, but since most other registries don't do anything about it, neither will we-- except by posting rants on the blog.

How to Register Your Horse

There is no fee to register. However, in order to register your horse, you must first take the North Horse oath. First, turn towards the north. (If you're not sure which direction north is, looking up will do.) Put your hand solemnly on your heart and repeat these words aloud:

If you wish to register multiple horses, you only have to swear the oath once. There's a minor exception to "breed crap horses," in that if you have a beloved horse with poor conformation, but you want to breed once, just once, in order to have a foal out of your best equine friend, this is tolerated. Just do so responsibly.

Once you've sworn the oath, your horse(s) is/are officially registered. However, you may want a certificate. If so, send a picture of your horse and his/her basic info (age, height, name) to  I will (eventually) email you a lovely certificate to print and display.

I highly encourage you to comment on this post saying something like, "I registered! -Ms. M. & Trigger, Texas." That way, you're helping to "promote the breed."

Oops, and I guess we'll need to do some sort of breed show or competition to gain legitimacy, right? What's that you say, lots of bullshit registries don't do events? Oh. Okay, I guess we'll put that off for now.


  1. Fugly Readers need to head over here!!

  2. If I had a camera... or a cellphone that has a camera... but I do not. Is a sketch of my horse an ok
    substitute for a photograph?

    btw- I kinda don't agree with the 'if you want to breed once just once to get a foal from your equine
    best friend...' - I have friends who did this and ended up with foals that had nothing in common with the 'equine best friend' and ended up being sold or given away - which just saturates the already over-saturated horse market. I truly think it is wiser to appreciate your equine best friend each
    and every day, don't take him/her for granted and accept the fact that you cannot clone him/her!

    1. Sure, a sketch will work!

      And yeah, you're probably right. This issue is something I've struggled with for a long time.