Okay, before we get to the main show, I want to ask you for a favor.
One of my critics once accused me of hating horses that don't have good conformation. NO WAY! My rants against badly-bred horses are entirely directed against their breeders. All horses are worthy of love, and I LOVE my own fugly horse, Annie! Look at that long back! She's also cow-hocked, has a huge head, and sun bleaches from palomino to a dirty, dull cotton color. She's not perfect, but she's mine.
So here's the favor. I would like to do a special blog post celebrating the not-quite-perfect horses that are dear to us. If you would like to have your horse featured, please send a photo to email@example.com or post a link here. I can mention your name and/or your horse's name or keep it anonymous. Okay, let's get to crazy Etsy stuff!
Meet the Dowager by mentalelf
I think everyone has wound up in dark, strange corner of the internet a few times before. You're watching an adorable Youtube video about kittens, and when it's done, you click on a suggested link, and then another link... and before you know it, you're watching a video of a colt being treated for a massive abscess that fountains like Old Faithful when it's punctured. (Don't watch that.)
I thought Etsy was immune from that kind of thing. Etsy is a super-cute website where people sell hand-made crafts, clothes and jewelry, and it is not only a beautiful website, it's a great alternative to buying from soulless big-box stores. Yeah, there's some ridiculous stuff on there, as shown by the hilarious Regretsy blog, but while browsing links for horse decor, I did not expect to find an equine version of Hell. How does this kind of thing keep happening to me?!
Well, misery loves company, so I'm sharing my bizarre Etsy finds with you. If these don't make you say, "Whhhuuuuut?!" you may wish to consult a therapist.
First up: horse skull art! Actually this isn't that bizarre. Scrimshaw has been a traditional art in many countries for thousands of years. I wouldn't want one of these in my house of course, but I can at least sort of see why this thing was created. What's really bizarre is that you can order a custom design for an additional $75. "Hey honey! You know my Jagermeister* collection? Wouldn't that logo look great carved into a horse's skull? We could put our initials on there too! It would only be $545.31!"
*You've heard of Jagermeister, right? No? Well Jager is a liquor, and it's a lot like a new reality show on tv. No one really wanted it, no one really likes it, but somehow it pops up and becomes very, very popular. In both cases, drunk girls wind up on the floor in a hair-pulling fight.
Next up, some may argue that art is subjective, and therefore no art is "bad," but I fucking disagree. Also, this is creepy. Why would anyone pay $5.00 for this?!
Hey look, I found something even more creepy, for even more money! I'm beginning to see a trend here.
Yeyyyp, creepier and costlier:
....aaaaand this is it, this is where I stopped clicking on links and abandoned Etsy. I'm not sure who says, "I need to go shopping for a horse-skin hat with real mane and ears and a unicorn horn made from elk bone," but here one is! If you can't afford $350, the seller offers generous layaway plans. Oh, and don't worry about where this came from. The seller says, "Everything made with animal parts is given a full ritual purification according to my spiritual path." I bet the horse who was slaughtered for this ensemble greatly appreciates that. It was an American horse, by the way, if you're concerned about buying American. Oh, and, "A portion of the proceeds is donated to nonprofit organizations such as the Defenders of Wildlife." Well, that makes it all good then, right? Goodnight folks, pleasant dreams.